Chicken Soup for the Soul Reaper
by Zephyra of Breeze
Summary: Flu season rolls around in the Seireitei and everyone's wondering which division will catch it this time. But who will treat the 4th division when they get sick? fourth squad central, cameos by tenth, eleventh, and thirteenth so far, more later.
1. Chapter 1

_**AN: Iemura (3**__**rd**__** seat) is the guy who narrates his diary out loud, and Harunobu (8**__**th**__** seat) is the guy with curly hair who gets lots of mail. See, they do exist! The Hitsugaya scene was for my fantastic friend Zaphodiop, who writes terrific fanfics about him all the time. This is my first Bleach fanfiction I've posted (the only one good enough) so please read, review, and be gentle in said reviews. Thank you! (that being said, criticize away as long as it's constructive. )**_

The entire nightmare began with a sneeze.

"Ah-chee!"

Several shinagami chuckled at the weak sound. Isane sighed and corked another bottle of cough syrup.

"Wash your hands, Hanatarou."

"Yes Ma'am."

Everyone returned to supply preparation.

"98, 99, 100. I'm done." Yasochika Iemura set down the stack of tissues he'd been folding.

"Good. We won't be caught unawares this flu season," Isane replied quietly, continuing her work. In the clinic, lower-ranked shinagami were tending the few patients that remained. The seated officers, however, were camped in a storeroom attending to a far more important duty; Flu Season. Once a year, an entire squad was laid low by the flu. It was up to 4th division to keep them alive until it ran its course. The question, however, was this: Which division would catch it?

"Tenth, is my guess." Iemura suggested.

"I certainly hope not," Isane replied, "We only just released their captain from the clinic. Sickness on top of wounds would be something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy."

"I hope _so_," Harunobu Ogido said happily, "Have you seen the assistant cap—" He had to stop talking to dodge the various objects the female officers threw at him.

Isane cocked her head. "Actually, it's been years since Tenth Division caught it. They are the most likely. Them, or perhaps Eleventh."

Everyone in the room shuddered.

"So, tenth it is," Harunobu suggested optimistically.

"AH-CHEE!"

"Hanatarou, if you cannot stop sneezing so pathetically…" Iemura had to pause to cough. Isane looked at the two of them, worried.

"You aren't getting sick, are you? You must be immune, no one could make it this far in 4th division without catching the flu."

Iemura and Hanatarou both nodded.

"Good. Then we have nothing to worry about."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"What are you saying?!" Kiyone demanded indignantly.

Sentaro shook his head. "There's no cough syrup left, Kiyone. I just checked."

"Well, you can just go in there and explain to Captain Ukitake that you lost his Cough Syrup!" She pointed angrily at the door.

"I can hear you, you know," Ukitake called.

They both ignored him.

"I didn't LOSE it! The BOTTLES are there, but they're EMPTY."

Kiyone glared at him. "Don't you DARE talk like that to me! Whose turn was it to get more?"

"We never get more! Your sister delivers it!"

"WELL WHERE IS SHE???"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"Please stop fighting…" Ukitake called, but like always they chose to ignore just the one order.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Look at this, Matusumoto."

"Look at what? I don't see anything, Captain."  
"Right here. On my shoulder."

Matsumoto bent over and scrutinized the shoulder of her captain's white coat.

"It looks like a stain. You must be quite the messy eater to get food from your mouth all the way over there!"

He glared up at her. She smiled sweetly back.

"I have told you, time and time again: Just because my shoulder is at the level of your hand does NOT make me your personal napkin! You assured me it would wash out!"

Now Matsumoto was actually puzzled, not just feigning the emotion for her own amusement.

"It should have. Did you put it out for 4th squad to wash last night?"

"OF COURSE I DID!"

Matsumoto was too confused to pretend to be offended by his tone.

"But… they should have washed it… That's a little odd…"

"Yes, Matsumoto. JUST A LITTLE."

. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . .. . .. .

"Wake up, you dirty-bald-monkey-faced-earwiggler!"

Yumichika opened one eye. That had better not be his door. If that was his door, someone would have to die, and he had theories that killing people before breakfast caused wrinkles.

He heard a door slam open across the hall and the sound of a scuffle. The scuffle ended with whoever had been yelling getting thrown through his door.

He sat up. Through the person-shaped hole in the door he could see Ikkaku, who pointed at his victim.  
"Bastard! I AM TRYING TO SLEEP!" Then he turned and left.

It was excessively obvious to Yumichika that he was not going to get anymore sleep today. Ignoring Ikkaku's victim, who was starting to groan and stir, he got to his feet and went to the window. He threw open the shutters. He had chosen this room because of the view; he loved to see the beautiful, sparkling Seireitei, so pristine and deadly—

He yelped in surprise.

The view outside his window was DIRTY. It seemed he was going to have to work beating up 4th division into his busy schedule.


	2. Chapter 2 part one

As Rukia passed by, she noticed that an angry crowd was beginning to gather outside the general relief station. She took one look at the livid faces of the shinagami and pushed her way to the front of the mob, forward to put her ear to the door.

"Ah-chee!"

Was that supposed to be a sneeze? She knocked.

"I'b… I'b cubbin'…." Whoever it was, she was clearly very congested. "Han' on… one binute…." There was a sound like a dying elephant. The door slid open. Captain Unohana clung to the door frame, looking half-dead herself. She had dark circles under her eyes, her hair was springing out of her braid, and when she pulled the tissue she was clutching away from her nose, Rukia saw it was bright red.

"Captain Unohana! Are you all right?"

"I'b fine…I ha' da flu…" She slapped the tissue to her nose again and sneezed. The dying-elephant sound repeated itself.

"Captain Unohana…"

"Wait… one binute please…" She turned around and spoke into the clinic. "It's Kuchiki. No, the girl. Don' ge' up, you'll—"

**WHUMP**.

"—fall. Oh by." She turned back to Rukia. "We all ha' da flu."

Rukia nodded and turned to the mob behind her. "They're all sick."

Everyone started shouting.

"What?"

"NO!"

"But… my laundry!" Hitsugaya muttered, dumbstruck. How was he going to get the stain off his coat now?

A girl with red-streaked brown hair held aloft an empty bottle. "Captain Ukitake's out of cough syrup!"

"My arm's falling off!"  
"I need a band-aid!" A member of the research department waved his finger in the air, continuing: "Just look at this paper cut!"

"I have another hangover." Shunsui added.

"That, Captain, is your own stupid fault."

"How can such harsh words fall from such swee—"

**WHACK.**

"This is going to be a disaster," Rukia muttered.

From the back of the mob, there was a slight commotion. Yumichika shoved his way to the front and opened his mouth, presumably to add another complaint to the crowds'. Rukia watched his expression turn to horror as he saw the state of Captain Unohana, once one of the most beautiful women in the Seireitei. He turned around and threw up noisily.

…………………….


	3. Chapter 2 part two

Yamamoto watched the other captains gather, arranging themselves in two lines, flanking him, four on one side and four one the other.

Wait. Four?

He counted again. He was definitely missing four captains, one more than he should be. He carefully counted slower. One, himself. Two, Soifon. Three, Gin was gone, traitorous scum. Four, Unohana—Where was she? He scrutinized those present. All the captains looked slightly disheveled, their white coats dirty and wrinkled. Ukitake held a giant pad of paper.

"Where is Captain Unohana?" He asked them, once they had settled slightly.

Ukitake scribbled down a message and held it up.

_**SHE'S SICK**_

Yamamoto sighed. "Why are you writing instead of talking?" His tone was that of an exasperated parent waiting for his child to grow out of an irritating phase.

_**I LOST MY VOICE**_

"I'm not even going to ask…. Why didn't she send a representative to the meeting?"

Ukitake flipped to a new page in his pad of paper, but before he could pen a reply, Yachiru popped up from behind Kenpachi's shoulder like a cheerful jack-in-the-box.

"They're ALL sick."

"What?" Yamamoto must have misunderstood her grating high-pitched voice. They couldn't all be sick. The universe could not possibly hate him that much.

It was Kenpachi who clarified.

"From what I could get out of my subordinate between his attempts to gouge out his own eyes or kill himself, the entire 4th squad has the flu. Useless wusses."

Apparently the universe did hate him that much.

"How long has this been going on?"

Everyone looked at their feet. Komamura muttered something unintelligible, loathe to disappoint the oldest captain.

"Well?"

It seemed no one wanted to answer him.

"Soifon?"

The young woman wrung her hands but looked him brazenly in the eyes.

"According to my ninjas the last time any of them were seen outside the relief station was six days ago."

"Really?" Shunsui asked, interested, "I didn't realize until yesterday."

"Perhaps if you deigned to look up from a Sake bottle someday you would have noticed earlier…" Mayuri hissed.

"So says the scientific circus freak," Hitsugaya said quietly, "I saw you jump earlier. You had no idea before this meeting began that anyone in the soul society was sick."

"Well, when you can, um, build your own artificial sentient beings from scratch you have no need for—"

Yamamoto shut his eyes, wishing that the captains' ages matched their immaturity so he could put some of them in a time-out right now.

Unfortunately that would make Hitsugaya older than he was, and wasn't going to let some young whippersnapper stroll in and steal his thunder.

But he was getting off topic.

"And what are we doing to help them?"

"I have many highly important experiments I cannot abandon at such a crucial stage—"

_**I HAVE NO IMMUNE SYSTEM**_

"Whatever you request, I will do it immediately," Komamura hastily added.

"Take care of sick people?" Kenpachi made a pffffffffft sound. "That's 4th division's job."

All the captains stared at him.

_**THAT WAS INSENSITIVE**_

"What Ukitake said," Shunsui muttered, slipping a bottle of sake surreptitiously out his sleeve.


	4. Chapter 4

"OW." Rukia hopped up and down in place, clutching her foot in pain.

"Rukia? Is that you?" Kiyone stuck her head out of a nearby door, looking at her subordinate in concern.

Rukia froze, balanced on one foot comically.

"Maybe."

"What are you doing?" Kiyone looked at the gigantic pot lying on the ground nearby.

Its contents had spilled all over the floor, and it was a reasonable assumption that Rukia had dropped it on her toe just seconds ago.

"Um…" Rukia answered evasively, putting her foot down slowly and preparing to run.

"What's in the pot?" Normally, Kiyone wouldn't have cared, but it was a slow day today and she was bored. Boredom usually translated into nosy questions for her coworkers.

"It's, um, chicken soup."

There was no 'ah!' of comprehension.

"It's a remedy from the living world. It's good for sick people."

"Ah!" Kiyone said, finally understanding. Rukia hurried on.  
"And, um, I know it's not actually part of my duties and I've caused enough trouble here recently, but please don't report me, I just feel so bad for them because—"

Kiyone grinned and clapped a hand over Rukia's mouth. "Let me help."

"What? But, Kiyone, surely you have work to do for the captain."

"Meh, Booger-brain can earn his keep, lazy bum." She leaned back into the doorway, shouting. "Sentaro, I'm going out for a walk, try not to get too much snot on the official reports, ok?" Kiyone ducked as a pen went flying over her head and stuck in the wall behind her.  
"Let's go!" she said cheerfully, picking up one side of the half-filled pot. Rukia shrugged and took the other side.

………………..

"Oi! ISANE!" Kiyone hammered at the door to the relief station.

"I'm… not sure any of them can stand…." Rukia started, balancing the edge of the pot against her hip and steadying it with her left arm. With her right she reached over and turned the doorknob. The two girls stepped into the relief station.

Each of the wards was filled with sick shinagami. Hacking coughs and a stench filled the air.

Kiyone wrinkled her nose.

It must have been days since some of the ill fourth squad members could stand, let alone take a shower.

Rukia gulped, but gamely lifted the ladle she had stuck through the white cloth tied around her waist. "Come one, Kiyone, they have to have cups somewhere!"

……………..

Rukia helped Captain Unohana to sit up, and handed her a cup of chicken soup.

"I'm sorry… this is my fault…" she told the older woman. "It's my fault they all got sick…"

Unohana shook her head. "Nonsense, Kuchiki-san. How could this be your fault? All of my squad members are already immune, so the flu must have mutated since last season."

Rukia smiled sheepishly. "Um. Actually, I think they got it from me or one of my friends—it must be the human version of the Flu. Ichigo had me get vaccinated, but…"

"Still, the Ryoka were all over Soul Society, and only fourth squad got sick."

Rukia nodded. "Of course." There was an obvious reason that only fourth squad would get it, but she didn't want to get Hanatarou in trouble if she didn't have to.

_**A/N Grar. I rather hate this entire fanfiction. I just feel it's written badly—especially this most recent chapter. However, some of my friends said it's not fair if I don't continue it, since I've gotten so many reviews. Sigh. Well, Happy Birthday, Yuzu and Karin. Sorry you're not in this fic. **_

_**This is probably done. Chances are I will never write more. And, um, just because I really don't like Ganju or Kuukaku at all—Imagine them horribly sick too. Ichigo is practically bio warfare. **_

_**This is a really short chapter. Ah well. Please, if anyone likes this fic, try to read my other ones—I honestly consider this the worst one I've ever written. **_


	5. Deleted Scenes

_**A/N: I have no excuses. I said I wouldn't update this. Rawr. Stupid me and my inability to do what I say I will.**_

Deleted Scenes

"Do you have this month's report?" Byakuya asked in a dignified voice.

_**OF COURSE, **_Ukitake scrawled, showing the notepad to the other captain.

He reached into his desk and pulled out a manila envelope with the word CONFIDENTIAL stamped across the front in red. He handed it to Byakuya.

Byakuya opened the flap and slid out pages of notes, paper clipped to a few photographs. His narrow eyes scanned the text.

"So," He clarified, looking up, "the only guy Rukia has been 'alone'" he made airquotes "with this month is Ichigo, and Kiyone was spying on them the entire time."

_**YES. **_

"Excellent. Keep up the good work. Here's your payment." He put a box of real world candy on the desk. (where did it come from? I didn't bother to plan it out. I guess up the sleeve of his captain coat.)

_**YAY!**_

Byakuya turned to leave. Ukitake tapped him on the shoulder.

"What?"

_**IS ICHIGO REALLY THAT DANGEROUS? YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THIS WORRIED SINCE KAIEN WAS ALIVE.**_

"Do you know why Renji is my lieutenant?"

Ukitake shook his head.

"So I can keep an eye on him. I will do anything to protect the honor of Ru- ah, the Kuchiki family name."

_**OH.**_

Byakuya frowned. "You know, ever since you lost your voice you've gotten a lot less fun to talk to. Maybe if you drew some pictures to accompany the words? Here, let me demonstrate."

He took the pad of paper and began to sketch out a rabbit.

_**AN: Well, that was unexpected. I really wasn't planning on updating this at all. But I have had this scene in mind forever and it didn't fit into the storyline at all… but I figured if it belonged in any of my fics, it belonged in the mishmash-trying-too-hard-to-be-funny fic that doesn't take itself seriously. Basically, it belongs here.**_


End file.
